What I’d Do If I Won The Lottery

The other day I made a video with my love about what we’d do if we ever won the lottery and we had so much fun making it I thought that I’d do a little follow up and further explain my choices since we were a bit jumbled in the video and immersed in thinking about what it’d be like to actually have millions.

I would fix up my parent’s house.

This is the first thing I would do. I feel like most people would buy their parents a new house which is AMAZING but the reason I’ve decided fixing their house up would be a great idea is because I feel like even if you won the lottery, in northern California, in Silicon Valley, you’re better off fixing the house you’re in. I don’t know what happened to the place I grew up but I noticed even before I moved away that living there was becoming unaffordable. When Ali and I were living there together we were thinking about buying our own place, thinking that we’d be in California forever. To our surprise, one bedroom apartments in average areas were at about $600,000 to start so this is why, if I had the money, I would fix up their house. I’d also install air conditioning cuz NAH AH CHICA I remember those summers full of boob sweat and wanting to punch anyone who was within one foot of me with their body heat.

I would then take all of my loved ones on a month long vacation at Disney World & somewhere tropical.

The reason I’d want to do this is because all of my family and friends are all over the world and it’s rare that everyone is in the same place. Come to think of it, I can’t remember a single time where every single person was in the same room. Closest thing was our wedding but even then there were a few people I really wish could have been there to celebrate with us.

My dream would be to be able to afford to pay for everyone’s flight and stay at Disney World’s Boardwalk Inn because that’s where Ali and I stayed on our Honeymoon and the boardwalk itself is adorable, not to mention the PIZZA at the hotel. I’d love to go on all of the rides together and meet up for dinner since I know every single person who would go would enjoy themselves because if there’s one thing my closest people and I have in comment, it’s our love for Disney. Then I’d love to take everyone to a tropical place to just relax, sip cocktails and spend all of our time at the beach. I don’t think there’ll ever be a time where everyone is together at the same time so this would be a dream.

LORT DO I HATE CLEANING.

I’ve always loved organizing things; putting everything in their own little place, labeling folders, planning trips, scheduling my week, folding my clothes the same way, taking notes and rewriting them just so they look cuter… LOL. But when it comes to washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom, no thank you. I mean I still do it but it’s really not my favorite thing to do. Ali usually cleans the bathroom because he’s less bothered by it so if it ever gets to the point where we could get help with this that’d be amazing.

I’d hire a hair stylist to do my hair.

This is exactly what it sounds like. I’m not great at doing my own hair and this is one of those vain things where I know I’d be more motivated to do ANYTHING if my hair was cute. TBH I probably wouldn’t even have someone do that every day so maybe this one is a waste? Maybe we can throw in a person do to my makeup too.

Aside from the selfish things I mentioned, I really would want to give back to the world.

I’d want to save the bees, endangered animals, pay of any debt my friends and family might have, donate to charities like St Jude’s Children’s Hospital, cancer research, pay for people’s health insurance, and I would absolutely love to pay for people’s tuition fees and pay off student loans. I never got the chance to go to college full time and get a degree (but still want to) because life happened. HOWEVER I would love to see more people get the chance to enjoy life with one less thing to worry about.

What would you do if you won the lottery?? Let me know in the comments or even link me to a similar post as I’d love to read what you have! Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
 

52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge – My Best Friend

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Leo is my best friend so of course he’s going to be a part of my 52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge!! We became friends on myspace years ago and I don’t know how it exactly happened but we spoke almost every single day and I remember playing pool, monopoly, etc… with him whenever there was an opportunity!

Back then we were just internet friends, we would NEVER talk on the phone but we’d send each other 5 second voice mails. We’d chat until 5am on aim, we’d make up our own Spongebob and Sandy scripts (while pee laughing), going on these old chatroom things similar to BlogTv but I can’t remember the name at the moment lol… and then after a few years of friendship we met iRL. I didn’t tell my friends we never met in person before so the whole time I was freaking out because he was the first internet stranger I ever met in person. (Also please be careful if you decide to meet people from the internet!!!)

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Fast forward to 13 years later and now we’re both married… to other people lmao! We have a million inside jokes and they’re all stupid but they’re funny af. Our significant others are close as well and whenever the four of us are together it’s my most favorite environment. We’re always laughing, they reluctantly play long drawn out board games with me, Ali and Leo reluctantly watch what we call “Ken movies” (I enjoy them), we all reluctantly watch Leo play on his xbox (one of THOOOOOSE people 😂) and Leo and Ken reluctantly let Ali put dishes in the dishwasher… and then they wash them again. it’s like we’ve always been family and the fact that we all get along means the world to me.

BACK TO LEO. He’s the type of person who will do everything he can for you if he is able to. He’s always around for a laugh and always there to let me complain and he understands because he’s also been through whatever it is I’m going through. He loves Disney and quotes the movies with me. We have our own language and the words don’t translate to what they might sound like in English no matter what Ali thinks and whenever we’re together we’re like those people who met in “CAHHHLEGE” and turn into teens again lol… cuz teens are all in college?! ANOWAIFS. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s been there for me for as long as I can remember and he is one of like 3 people in the world who understands my dumb, immature, humor. I LOVE YOU CARRNIE MARRNIE ND ERRERERERER!

52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge – 3 Inspiring Women

I’ve never had a girl squad. By this, I mean that I’ve always had girl friends, but everyone has either been in a different city, state or country, and none of them really spent much time together because of this! I’m going to be talking about these girls in order of how long I’ve known them, my type of relationship with them, and what they mean to me. This doesn’t mean that I only feel this way about 3 of my friends, but there’ll be multiple opportunities throughout the year so to those of you who are reading this DON’T GET BUTTHURT MKAY? I’m looking at YOU Leo & Ken!! This post is meant to be weeks 5 & 8 and 11. Something someone gave you, express gratitude to 3 people and someone who inspires you.

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Outside of DNB after peeing our pants playing  one of those 4D zombie games  – November 2015

Jessica – My Cousin but not by blood but still by blood cuz who cares because I love her.

I’ve known Jess since practically birth. My mom and her family knew each other since before we were born and we kinda grew up together. I don’t remember too much of our childhood, other than pretending to be in the elephant graveyard scene in The Lion King but I remember always feeling like family. Her uncle/my uncle made up the nickname “Shuringring” and I’ve always loved it. There’s always something about filipino nicknames that make me laugh and I’m pretty sure 90% of my family on my mom’s side still call me Shuri. BESIDES THE POINT THOUGH.

I didn’t go to the same school with her until high school but always saw each other at family parties and her friends were always nice to me even though I was so weird and awkward. One thing I always think of about her is how Jess hasn’t changed…. like at ALL. She’s still the same person I remember from years ago. She’s always been a kind person but assertive when she needs to be, genuinely cares about other people, honest (she don’t mess around), she is easily pleased, is an amazing listener (one time she let Ali give her a google maps tour of Glasgow for like 3 hours), and is a huge inspiration to me.

Our relationship was always like, “let’s not talk for like 5 months but then talk for 10 hours straight when we finally catch up.” It’s more than just “right back where we started” but I’m not sure how to describe it. It never feels like we’ve stopped keeping in touch. Now, we message each other more often, still not all the time but I always get so excited to hear from her! I’m trying to convince her to move here so we’ll see how far we get LOL.

She inspires me because when she says she’s gonna do something, she does it! She’s ran at least a mile every single day since I can remember her starting it. She visited me and Ali with her fiancé in 2015 over Christmas and was the first person to just be like WE’RE COMING!! Not that people purposely avoid us, but she was the first one to visit from the states and that meant a lot to me. I’ll always admire her for her free spirit and how much joy she brings whenever you’re around her!

This one time Jess bought me an Ursula decal for my laptop 😀

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Hanging out in her pool on a hot summer day. This is a direct quote from the caption of this picture btw  “Ha! She brings the funny out of me! She knows me like a book, she’s honestly the best, even when she yells at me it’s for my own good.” YUP.

Kim – My lifelong friend that I yell at because I’m trying to protect her but she’s stubborn as frick and doesn’t listen lmao.

I’ve known Kim since elementary school. We were best friends and had a group of friends and we pretended to be the spice girls. She was baby spice. I’M GINGER. I’M ALWAYS GINGER. We were in almost all of the same classes (I think) and we also hated each other in middle school for reasons I can’t even remember. We have so many funny memories and to this day I still remember really embarrassing stories and I have to let her know right away and ruin her day. Two banana small strawberries.

Kim is the type of person who will do anything and everything for her friends and family. She’s a hard worker, a great listener, and does her best to make you feel comfortable and loved. She’s the definition of unconditional love, cares for others and even though it frustrates me because I can be protective of her, she still persists and will be there for those people she cares about.

When I was wedding planning, she drove from an hour and a half away to spend hours upon hours making things for Ali’s and my wedding… was that sentence grammatically correct? Whenever I visit her, she knows that hotlinks need to be involved because when we were kids, I used to go to her birthday parties and there’d always be hotlinks.. so tradition continues and now we’re almost 30 and less tolerant of spicy food LOL. Well maybe I am because UK. She has the patience of a saint for the most part and never really complained when her sister and I would tease her for just being Kim. LISTEN. DON’T JUDGE ME, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT WHEN YOU’RE FAMILY AND EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS EACH OTHER’S HUMOR LOL.

Our relationship has always been weird. She is like a sister to me and she pisses me off so much because she doesn’t listen to me but I’m sure I piss her off even if she won’t show it because I am stubborn and bossy. She’s bossy as frick too so that’s probably why we used to annoy each other so much hahaha! Basically she’s the Kimmy to my DJ.

Kim inspires me because she is so persistent and is so driven both in her career and life. She doesn’t give time to BS and just pushes through everything life throws her way.

This one time Kim bought me a dress because I bought her makeup.

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Showing her a nice view of San Jose. Apparently I didn’t love her enough to look at the camera she was facing. February 2013

Mack – One of my newest friends but knows me more than most and we talk about poop and cats a lot.

Mack is one of my most recent friends and we’ve only met once in person and met online. She lives in New Zealand and on a trip to LA, the same time Ali was over from Scotland in 2013, she took a bus all the way up to San Jose to see us and it was the funnest 24 hours LOL. We took her on a tour of SJ, fed her my mom’s bbq, took her to Oakridge, and made her inhale food at Evergreen Inn.

Mack is the type of woman who is very compassionate and puts everyone else’s needs before her own. She does her best to be there for whoever needs her whether it’s for a ranting session or deep conversation. She is an extremely hard worker, persistent, kind, and the least judgmental person I know.

We talk every single day (kinda). It’s basically like a bromance but not really because like the girls above, she is family to me.  We have many inside jokes and a lot of them are poop jokes. We both send each other cat memes and cry face emojis because that means that we’re pet deprived and need cats STAT but we don’t have any so we live through other people on Instagram. My personal fave kitty is Tingeling.

She inspires me because she is just a good person. If there was ever a good person in the world, it’s Mack. She is so respectful and understanding it’s unreal sometimes. I can tell her something I am hating about myself at any point in time and she’ll understand how I feel and can relate a lot of what I’m going through. She also understands my need for poop space in a big group and only one bathroom. I NEED MY PRIVACY AND POOP SPACE!

This one time Mack sent me a package full of cute stuffed animals and Kiwi goodies. I miss those bacon ring chips too.

All of these women inspire me to be strong and help me remember to be myself in different ways. They are all very similar in that they’re all the type of people who are kind, generous, and put up with whatever comes out of my mouth but what I love most about them is that they are hard workers and do all they can to take care of themselves and those around them. Also all the girls love Disney soooooooooooo THERE YA GO! LOVE YOU!!!!

52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge – My Siblings

As much as I’d love to make this a lovey dovey type post I’m not gonna because that would be very much unlike our relationship as siblings. Instead, I’m going to share my three favorite memories with each of them that are both embarrassing and hilarious. As the oldest sibling, I have the right to share these stories because I’m the best. This is weeks 3 and 4.

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At my bridal shower. Weird prom pose.

My sister
1. This one time she ate a whole peppercorn that she got in her nilaga that my mom made and she was screaming and didn’t know what to do so she licked the couch while making a strange cow noise. I laughed so hard at her that I got in trouble.
2. This other time we were watching Star Wars with our uncle and they were eating peanuts. I think I was around 10 and she was 6 or we were possibly younger (I’m already laughing as I’m typing this by the way) They were enjoying the movie and chomping away on these peanuts still in their shells and all of a sudden, as Chewie does a wookie gargle, I hear a scream. I turn around and my sister is running down the hall to my mom’s room. I start cackling because my uncle is cackling and he tells me that she got a shell stuck in her gums. I immediately, being the amazing and caring sister, run to my mom’s room to see what’s happening. My sister is crying at the top of her lungs and I’m trying really hard to keep my laughter in. If she reads this, she knows what I look like when I’m trying to hold in my laughs. I JIGGLE. I JIGGLE A LOT. IT’S NOTICEABLE. Anyway, I can’t hold in my laughter anymore as my mom is trying to take this shell out of her gum. As she’s wailing my mom asks her if it’s out because she seemed to have taken something out. My sister, tears running down her face, puffy faced, snot shooting out of her nose (jk) stops crying IMMEDIATELY, whimpers a little bit, and lets out a huge, blood curdling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! And once again my laughter starts. My mom got so mad at me and I got in trouble… again.
3. My Uncle E passed away a few years ago and it’s a tradition that 40 days after the funeral (I’m not sure if this is a Catholic thing or if it’s a Filipino thing… probably both) you get back together with the family and do the rosary. My uncle E was very vibrant and my family never really takes anything too seriously so please keep this in mind when you read this next bit. My family likes to karaoke, especially one of my other uncles, we’ll call him Uncle R. My whole life it’s been HAYYY SHURINGRING, COME SING NOW!! And I’d either sing in front of all the aunties and uncles or do a duet with Uncle R. Basically, he’s always singing. Once the rosary is done, we all sing Amazing Grace, led by one of the older aunties who knew my family really well. As we were singing, (there weren’t very many of us, we were at Uncle R’s house in his living room) my sister and I start to notice something and figure out soon enough that my Uncle R is trying to do harmonies to Grace and is not hitting the notes at all. He kept saying “OH…” “Uh…” “amazing graaaAaaaAAAAce” and this was a moment that my sister and I knew we couldn’t look at each other because once she sees me jiggle laughing, that’s it. I don’t know what we both do, but we actually end up looking at my Uncle R as he’s making these mistakes in the harmonies that don’t exist. Meanwhile, the auntie is CRYING because she really feels the song and I’m in the corner jiggle laughing while my sister starts shake laughing and we can see a couple of other younger cousins about our age starting to laugh too. At the end Uncle R apologized for his singing and we all laughed. The Auntie said “Oh… I know I’m so sorry I just really feel the song.” Poor thing!! We had to explain to her while we were laughing through the 90 verses in Amazing Grace and we all laughed about it.

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My mom & brother at AT&T Park, GO GIANTS!!

My Brother
1. One time I brought a kitty home from my friend’s kitty’s litter. My grandma hated cats or any animals and by the end of the day I was basically forced to bring my first ever cat back. I was in tears because I am a big baby and love animals and the fact that I didn’t get to take care of him broke my heart. My brother, who is a big softie too, even though we have established his “Cool Guy” persona online, cried and yelled something up and down the hall along the lines of THIS IS UNFAIR!! Totally feeling my pain and knew how heartbroken I was. I might cry a lot but I don’t cry for no reason at all and he knows that I have to be hurt to cry as much as I was.
2. When Ali and I had to be long distance again a couple of years back, he was there for me by driving us to the airport and basically picked up the pieces after Ali left. He put his arm around me, his blubbering older sister, and jokingly called me a sissy. I think I punched him and we left. I remember driving in silence as he drove us back home from SFO and I felt completely comfortable being a mess around him. After that we went to L&L and ate I ate my feelings. He’s always there for me when I’m having completely breakdowns.
3. I’ve had to think really hard for an embarrassing story because all I remember from when we were kids is playing video games, board games, running around at the park. I guess there isn’t too much that he’s done that’s embarrassing. My sister and I were the ones who always did stupid stuff together and my brother was usually doing his own thing or we’d all play together. I can’t remember anything he’s done where I’d cackle so hard that my face would hurt so we’ll leave it at the fact that he’s a good human with a cool guy personality and if you see him make sure you tell him that you’re a hunnie at da mawl! He’ll love that. One of my most favorite comments I ever got on a video was on mine and Ali’s wedding video:
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For those of you who don’t know what his “Cool Guy” persona is… basically my brother is the type of person who was never really spoiled but has a cool guy car, has a beard, and basically just lives his life as a normal human being but not really because Ali and I have decided that the made up version we’ve come up with is who he is. I’ll do my best to try to explain this LOL.

Ali and I decided that he drives his manual transmission Trans Am with his cool guy windows down blasting My Chemical Romance (which we love IRL) or some weird classic rock while he drives/Tokyo drifts to “DA MAUUUUUL” to scope out some hunnies. Hunnies are the girls that always flock to him because he has just arrived and they always wait for him outside his favorite stores like Daiso Japan or Shoe Palace. He only takes about 5 or 6 of them out on a date to the food court for some Sbarro that they all have to share and they all have to chip in to pay for his slice. He’ll then take them to Mrs. Field’s Cookies where they have to make a custom cookie cake for him that says “It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or mile.. winning is winning” with a pair of sunglasses drawn on in icing. This is a big honor to those hunnies because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! On the weekend he likes to donate his stale cookie cake that he didn’t eat because carbs to the hunnies that congretate around his car waving their hands in the air when he is finished looking at it as display art in the bathroom. As he stands on the hood of his car he can’t help but grab his fine toothed comb, some pocket pomade and slick his hair back as if he’s channeling the great Kenickie of the T-Birds, one of his idols. He looks down at the girls and says “yeh-HAH” jumps off like an acrobat in through his car window, his very own ring of fire, and drives away leaving streaks on the road to let the hunniez know that “COOL GUY WUZ HERE.”

… I literally just made that up LMFAO. That’s just an example of his cool guy personality that we’ve developed over the years. Anytime Cool Guy is in a video there’s always a comment about him meeting hunnies at da mawl and it’s one of my favorite things because it’s like I made fetch happen.

Anyway, those are my siblings and the dynamic of our relationship. I love them both very much and I hope you enjoyed this read! I’m pretty damn proud of that little blurb and I can hear my sister cackling about it hahahaha! See you again on Monday and sorry this was posted so late!!

52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge – My Husband

I am REALLY excited to talk about him and express how thankful I am that he is the person I am sharing the rest of my life with… unless becoming a vampire turns into a thing and then we shall be IMMORTAL AND LIVE FOR ALL ETERNITY IN THE DARK SINCE WE’RE NIGHT OWLS ANYWAY. BTW this is supposed to be week 2.

My husband Ali is a Scottish guy from Glasgow. We met online almost 8 years ago and were friends for a few years. If there’s anything I’ve learned about him, it’s that he has the patience of a saint and is the best listener I’ve ever come across. He genuinely cares about others and will do anything he can to help those who need it.

I don’t speak about this much, but I grew up Catholic and HATED going to church. I always felt like I was forced to go because I was a stubborn little brat (now I’m just stubborn) and didn’t like the idea of having to wake up early, get dressed up, and leave the house… aaaand I’m still that way.  It wasn’t until I was about 17 years old where something clicked and I realized that it wasn’t just about me. I don’t know how to explain it but there was a point where I just felt like I had to join choir to understand everything. I joined, met my church family, sang every Sunday, attended a youth group meeting or two, and went to one of the big retreats as a leader. Then I turned 21, liked to ~party~ and basically just became a young adult without a care in the world and in some ways forgetting what I stand for.

During my cool kid party years, I got to know some protestant people who made Christianity look bad and started to resent Christianity because the people I met and saw on TV believed that God hated gays, hated minorities, and hated whatever is different from people like those in these certain groups. How could I ever associate myself with people who promote so much negativity and hate? This was so confusing for me as someone who was always taught to love and to forgive even though for me, forgiveness has always been hard for me.

I am not a perfect Christian. I couldn’t quote any verses from the bible by heart or memorize the names of the books and recite them in order, but what Ali did was teach me that it is about my relationship with God that matters. He has shown me that true Christianity is about showing love towards others, compassion, and not bringing people down because someone is different. I have already known this and have followed this both inside and outside of religious beliefs, but have struggled with my faith for this exact reason. I thought that most (if all) Christians believed that my loved ones were all the scum of the earth just because of who we are and that was the only impression I ever saw from people I’ve met (outside of my Catholic church) and certain groups in the media.

When I met Ali, I saw respect and unconditional care for others regardless of how he might have been treated. When I eventually visited him in 2012, I met the communii-5gnB6SS-XLty he grew up with in Glasgow who were all incredibly welcoming and not once were any beliefs or agendas shoved in my face.  It felt right and I understood why Ali is the way he is. He had a big support system who were always there for him spiritually. When he moved over to California with me in 2013, we went to premarital counselling at a non-denominational church that we found together and even took my mom to some of the Sunday services (which she enjoyed) and still went to my church that I grew up in from time to time. Now, here in Manchester, we have been looking for a church that feels right and it’s been a couple of years of going to different churches and I think we found one… that’s beside the point though.

I thank Ali for a lot of things. I thank him for being kind to me, for always supporting me, for loving me, for being by my side, for treating me with respect, for having a sense of humor, for putting up with my stubbornness but hardly ever thank him for bringing me back to my faith. So THANK YOU my love. Thank you for being patient with my growth in faith and for understanding that it’s hard for me to speak about these things. I love you so much and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Struggling & Need to Recharge!

I’ve been struggling a lot recently. It’s not as bad as before, but it’s still taking its toll on my everyday life. I’m not crying all the time (because of being homesick anyway, DAMN YOU WALKING DEAD!), but I haven’t found motivation to focus. I can’t really focus on anything and feel overwhelmed. Even though I know how to solve these problems I don’t want to do anything about it and it freakin sucks.

There have been periods however, that I have felt super happy! I think that’s because I was away from Manchester and closer to friends and family, or exploring a new city. Where I live isn’t a bad place to be at all. Our little village is very quiet with everything I need basically just around the corner. I think the biggest issue is that we don’t have friends or family near. I work for myself and Ali is getting his PhD so we’re both constantly working and our schedules are always WORK WORK WORK. We do get to spend a lot of time together though which is something I’m very thankful for because I know not many people get that luxury. I never want to be long distance from him again and we all know that so I guess I’ll save that for another time.

We recently went to York for a little PR challenge to watch The Conjuring 2 and sleep over in a 600 year old Haunted House. It was so freakin cool because neither of us have ever done that before and I’ve never been to York. It was such a beautiful city with so much interesting history (keyword: interesting) that I was genuinely excited about it and happy to explore.

Last weekend we went to Glasgow for my sister-in-law’s wedding and even though it was a busy weekend I was so happy to be around familiar faces and just be around people we love and a city where my husband grew up. I don’t really think I noticed how happy I was to be around family and friends until we got back here to where we basically don’t know anyone or have close enough friendships with to just call em up and be like “Hey come over and be boring and watch Netflix with us.”

After coming back from Glasgow I noticed I felt like I was in a slump again. I have little to no motivation and I really do need a change. I think once we go back to California,  have a proper vacation and we don’t have to worry about work as much, I’ll be able to recharge and actually feel better when we get back to Manchester. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

There is so much to do when we visit California. I really wish it was a longer visit, but I’ll take 2 weeks over 0 any day! I’m most excited about Thanksgiving with my family and our little traditions that we have. After we have dinner (which is basically an all-day food thaaang) we either go to another family member’s house or watch a movie. This year we’re going with my mom to watch Moana and hopefully Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them. We’re taking my little bro #hunniezatdamawl to Disneyland and Ali is going to be a tourist in LA for the first time. We’re going to spend some time at Leo & Ken’s and have Friendsgiving, hang out at a bar with friends, have a traditional board game night with my sister and family friends, and hopefully I can convince my mom to decorate the house for Christmas before we leave LOL.

Talking about what we have planned so far is actually making me excited… so that helped LOL. I really should write in this thing more often. I’m pretty sure I say that in ever blog but OH WELL!

Thanks for reading and I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated through my social media! 11 days to go!

❤ Gloria

Rambling Intro – Homesick Diary

I can’t get my thoughts out when I’m physically writing so hopefully typing will make things easier. For the last couple of days I have been feeling very homesick. It’s nothing new, I’ve been struggling a lot with that this year but this time it hit me suddenly and I couldn’t stop crying all night. Any little thing that reminded me of how much I missed home bothered me and made me teary or I had to stop doing whatever it was that I was doing at the time.

It probably didn’t help that I was listening to “love songs” which is something I normally do! I love feeling all lovey dove-y when I’m writing, brainstorming, or planning out my week but it’s almost as if I had a breakup with all my friends and family because I don’t see them or hear from them as much as I want to. IT’S NOT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR’S FAULT, I blame it on time. That’s also not true because I know that I’m not on the top of the friendship priority list and I’m also an asshole so I’ll explain that more later.

To those who don’t know me, I am from California, my husband is from Scotland, and we fell in love and moved to England soon after we got married. I had visa issues in 2015 and after lots of stress and tears, we now are able to live in the same country and don’t have to worry about that issue for now.

We are visiting California for Thanksgiving and it’s nearly 70 days away but by then I wouldn’t have seen my friends and family for 15 months. This is the first time I’ve ever been away for over a year. I’m just going to say that I realize people have it much worse, but this is the first time I’m having to live through this so SHH. I feel like if I had friends near (those in the US and UK) it would make things much easier. I feel like if I was able to go back home every 6 months I’d be able to manage fine but we simply can’t afford it and don’t have the time. What hurts me most is thinking about the holidays. I always stayed home on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year hanging out with my mom. My siblings were always invited round to their friends so sometimes they’d leave. I personally didn’t feel like it was appropriate (for me) to leave the house unless we were all going to another relative’s house to celebrate (I did have close friends come over as well so it’s not as “sad” as it sounds, haha). So when I think about not going home and not being able to spend time with my family, I think specifically about my parents hanging out and doing nothing LOL. As dumb as that sounds, it’s what I imagine and it makes me sad. My parents usually have plans when we’re all out but the thought of it really upsets me. Going home for Thanksgiving was such a big deal and when I told my mom she was so happy and was so shocked she needed to just sit in her car and not drive. I didn’t know she was out at the time and thankfully she was just sitting in the parking lot. She said she was so excited that her heart was pounding. We’re having a huge feast when visit so that makes me happy!

Aside from being homesick around the holidays, I really miss spending time with my siblings. We always had fun playing together when we were younger and even though we fight a lot (as WE ALL DO) we are pretty close. AT LEAST I THINK SO. IF YOU GUYS EVER READ THIS YOU BETTER FEEL THE SAME. Anyway, even in my early 20s, and them in their teens, we’d have so much fun playing board games or video games to the point where we’re all screaming. I’m super competitive but we know it’s all for fun because even though I end up rage punching the couch because they are purposefully sabotaging me, we laugh about it immediately after.  It’s not like it wasn’t the other way around, my sister and I would team up on my brother to make him lose because even though he was the youngest he was somehow still better than us?! UGH. Even though my cooking has evolved since 2 years ago I miss cooking for them too! I also miss making them watch scary movies so I can laugh at them when they jump.  I MISS EVERYTHING.

Here’s where friendships come in. We’re all adults now, we all have our own lives and I get that. What I don’t understand is why I feel like I’m pushed to the side or an afterthought? Sometimes I feel like I’m putting in everything I can (and yes I’ve brought this up before) and helping to the best of my knowledge but still not be asked how my days was. With some people it’s like “help me!” and when I need a shoulder they’re not there. When I want to have a quality friendship time skype call people are too busy? There’s also times where I say “You can always come to me!” but I never hear from them LOL. Here’s why I feel like I’m an asshole too: I know I haven’t been a good friend to some people lately. I posted on my fb that I have no excuse other than trying to stay productive and distract myself from dealing with a bunch of crap that is out of my control but that is an entirely different story. I feel bad and I don’t know how to explain how I feel about these situations other than I’m so damn lonely and would like to have one group of people remember that I exist but also a jerk who doesn’t want to talk to another group of people *because* I’m going through a tough time. Can I just blame this on distance and the time difference? I’m going to because I feel like it LOL. I know the real answer to these questions but sometimes I just want to rant and say everything.

These are just my rambling thoughts, I don’t know how to process or further explain how I feel. I think writing everything down and posting to my blog will help me figure out crap and hopefully I won’t be as homesick? EHHHH. Anyway, thanks for reading my post especially if you made it this far, jeez!!

❤ Gloria