Struggling & Need to Recharge!

I’ve been struggling a lot recently. It’s not as bad as before, but it’s still taking its toll on my everyday life. I’m not crying all the time (because of being homesick anyway, DAMN YOU WALKING DEAD!), but I haven’t found motivation to focus. I can’t really focus on anything and feel overwhelmed. Even though I know how to solve these problems I don’t want to do anything about it and it freakin sucks.

There have been periods however, that I have felt super happy! I think that’s because I was away from Manchester and closer to friends and family, or exploring a new city. Where I live isn’t a bad place to be at all. Our little village is very quiet with everything I need basically just around the corner. I think the biggest issue is that we don’t have friends or family near. I work for myself and Ali is getting his PhD so we’re both constantly working and our schedules are always WORK WORK WORK. We do get to spend a lot of time together though which is something I’m very thankful for because I know not many people get that luxury. I never want to be long distance from him again and we all know that so I guess I’ll save that for another time.

We recently went to York for a little PR challenge to watch The Conjuring 2 and sleep over in a 600 year old Haunted House. It was so freakin cool because neither of us have ever done that before and I’ve never been to York. It was such a beautiful city with so much interesting history (keyword: interesting) that I was genuinely excited about it and happy to explore.

Last weekend we went to Glasgow for my sister-in-law’s wedding and even though it was a busy weekend I was so happy to be around familiar faces and just be around people we love and a city where my husband grew up. I don’t really think I noticed how happy I was to be around family and friends until we got back here to where we basically don’t know anyone or have close enough friendships with to just call em up and be like “Hey come over and be boring and watch Netflix with us.”

After coming back from Glasgow I noticed I felt like I was in a slump again. I have little to no motivation and I really do need a change. I think once we go back to California,  have a proper vacation and we don’t have to worry about work as much, I’ll be able to recharge and actually feel better when we get back to Manchester. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.

There is so much to do when we visit California. I really wish it was a longer visit, but I’ll take 2 weeks over 0 any day! I’m most excited about Thanksgiving with my family and our little traditions that we have. After we have dinner (which is basically an all-day food thaaang) we either go to another family member’s house or watch a movie. This year we’re going with my mom to watch Moana and hopefully Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them. We’re taking my little bro #hunniezatdamawl to Disneyland and Ali is going to be a tourist in LA for the first time. We’re going to spend some time at Leo & Ken’s and have Friendsgiving, hang out at a bar with friends, have a traditional board game night with my sister and family friends, and hopefully I can convince my mom to decorate the house for Christmas before we leave LOL.

Talking about what we have planned so far is actually making me excited… so that helped LOL. I really should write in this thing more often. I’m pretty sure I say that in ever blog but OH WELL!

Thanks for reading and I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated through my social media! 11 days to go!

❤ Gloria

Rambling Intro – Homesick Diary

I can’t get my thoughts out when I’m physically writing so hopefully typing will make things easier. For the last couple of days I have been feeling very homesick. It’s nothing new, I’ve been struggling a lot with that this year but this time it hit me suddenly and I couldn’t stop crying all night. Any little thing that reminded me of how much I missed home bothered me and made me teary or I had to stop doing whatever it was that I was doing at the time.

It probably didn’t help that I was listening to “love songs” which is something I normally do! I love feeling all lovey dove-y when I’m writing, brainstorming, or planning out my week but it’s almost as if I had a breakup with all my friends and family because I don’t see them or hear from them as much as I want to. IT’S NOT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR’S FAULT, I blame it on time. That’s also not true because I know that I’m not on the top of the friendship priority list and I’m also an asshole so I’ll explain that more later.

To those who don’t know me, I am from California, my husband is from Scotland, and we fell in love and moved to England soon after we got married. I had visa issues in 2015 and after lots of stress and tears, we now are able to live in the same country and don’t have to worry about that issue for now.

We are visiting California for Thanksgiving and it’s nearly 70 days away but by then I wouldn’t have seen my friends and family for 15 months. This is the first time I’ve ever been away for over a year. I’m just going to say that I realize people have it much worse, but this is the first time I’m having to live through this so SHH. I feel like if I had friends near (those in the US and UK) it would make things much easier. I feel like if I was able to go back home every 6 months I’d be able to manage fine but we simply can’t afford it and don’t have the time. What hurts me most is thinking about the holidays. I always stayed home on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year hanging out with my mom. My siblings were always invited round to their friends so sometimes they’d leave. I personally didn’t feel like it was appropriate (for me) to leave the house unless we were all going to another relative’s house to celebrate (I did have close friends come over as well so it’s not as “sad” as it sounds, haha). So when I think about not going home and not being able to spend time with my family, I think specifically about my parents hanging out and doing nothing LOL. As dumb as that sounds, it’s what I imagine and it makes me sad. My parents usually have plans when we’re all out but the thought of it really upsets me. Going home for Thanksgiving was such a big deal and when I told my mom she was so happy and was so shocked she needed to just sit in her car and not drive. I didn’t know she was out at the time and thankfully she was just sitting in the parking lot. She said she was so excited that her heart was pounding. We’re having a huge feast when visit so that makes me happy!

Aside from being homesick around the holidays, I really miss spending time with my siblings. We always had fun playing together when we were younger and even though we fight a lot (as WE ALL DO) we are pretty close. AT LEAST I THINK SO. IF YOU GUYS EVER READ THIS YOU BETTER FEEL THE SAME. Anyway, even in my early 20s, and them in their teens, we’d have so much fun playing board games or video games to the point where we’re all screaming. I’m super competitive but we know it’s all for fun because even though I end up rage punching the couch because they are purposefully sabotaging me, we laugh about it immediately after.  It’s not like it wasn’t the other way around, my sister and I would team up on my brother to make him lose because even though he was the youngest he was somehow still better than us?! UGH. Even though my cooking has evolved since 2 years ago I miss cooking for them too! I also miss making them watch scary movies so I can laugh at them when they jump.  I MISS EVERYTHING.

Here’s where friendships come in. We’re all adults now, we all have our own lives and I get that. What I don’t understand is why I feel like I’m pushed to the side or an afterthought? Sometimes I feel like I’m putting in everything I can (and yes I’ve brought this up before) and helping to the best of my knowledge but still not be asked how my days was. With some people it’s like “help me!” and when I need a shoulder they’re not there. When I want to have a quality friendship time skype call people are too busy? There’s also times where I say “You can always come to me!” but I never hear from them LOL. Here’s why I feel like I’m an asshole too: I know I haven’t been a good friend to some people lately. I posted on my fb that I have no excuse other than trying to stay productive and distract myself from dealing with a bunch of crap that is out of my control but that is an entirely different story. I feel bad and I don’t know how to explain how I feel about these situations other than I’m so damn lonely and would like to have one group of people remember that I exist but also a jerk who doesn’t want to talk to another group of people *because* I’m going through a tough time. Can I just blame this on distance and the time difference? I’m going to because I feel like it LOL. I know the real answer to these questions but sometimes I just want to rant and say everything.

These are just my rambling thoughts, I don’t know how to process or further explain how I feel. I think writing everything down and posting to my blog will help me figure out crap and hopefully I won’t be as homesick? EHHHH. Anyway, thanks for reading my post especially if you made it this far, jeez!!

❤ Gloria