#WorldMentalHealthDay – Reflecting on My First Year of Therapy

Today I had my last face to face session with my therapist. Since we’re moving to Glasgow next month I’ll be seeing her online biweekly which makes me really happy because I’d hate to start over again (LOL) and I truly value all the work she’s done for me. With Ali and I preparing for the move, I sat here in my office thinking about what else we need to do when suddenly realized that I’ve basically been going to therapy for a year, remembered that it’s #WorldMentalHealthDay and here I am! Also yes I realize that my train of thought went from thinking about moving all the way to how long I’ve been going to therapy LOL.

I’ll start off by saying that I’ve been wanting to see a therapist since I was in high school. I always knew I needed help with my problems and wanted to just talk to someone outside of family and friends who would just sit there and listen to me rant about whatever because I needed and outside perspective.

To be fair, I was actually scared to talk to someone. I always have been but I thought I’d be able to talk to a school counselor but I think around the time I decided to speak to someone it was bad timing. It was the end of school and as you can imagine it was chaotic. I finally mustered up the courage closer to the end of my senior year in high school, went to one of the counselors and was basically told that everything would be ok and that my worst fears at the time won’t come true. They didn’t, but that’s not what I needed from the counselor at that time. I really did need someone to talk to.

Anyway, years pass and we move here to England. I have so much unresolved crap in my life that I became overwhelmed with basically everything. I didn’t realize how much moving countries would take its toll on me. Everyone always said it was brave, and that it was a big deal but I never really understood what they meant because I was happy to uproot and move over to the UK. I am 100% confident in saying that I do not regret this decision. I miss everyone and the convenience of having my loved ones nearby, but I have no regrets whatsoever.

Just because I have no regrets doesn’t mean that I didn’t ever get lonely over feel overwhelmed. I think what triggered this for me was all of the YouTube’s changes – thinking it was only me who was affected, not asking anyone else who do what I do if they felt the way I did because like I said before, I never asked for help. I was also anxious and worried about missing my family and friends, being homesick, and the world moving on without me and needless to say I was stressed AF. I never knew how to cope with this amount of stress, I just cried and accepted that feeling overwhelmed was just life. It is, but no one should go through it alone.

Ali has been my champion and through everything he is doing he’s always made time for me and my problems and is my angel. I truly believe he’s saved me from my own mind sometimes but that’s a whole other story and I’ll start crying if I talk about it LOL.

I didn’t think it was fair to burden Ali (even though he would NEVER use that word and would never feel this way towards me sharing my feelings) with every thought in my mind so I made an appointment with my GP to see a therapist through the NHS, which is an incredible privilege that the UK has. I knew the waitlist was long but I thought to myself, if I waited 10+ years I can wait a couple of months more…

When I finally saw my therapist through the NHS, I thought he was nice enough but when he asked what I wanted to talk about the first thing I mentioned was stress eating. I came to realize recently (actually I forget that I do this from time to time) that I’ve used eating as a way to cope with stress. When I explained why I want to work on it, he had an “a-ha!” moment, grabbed a piece of paper and started to write something. He handed the paper to me and when I looked down and he had written the words “over-eaters anonymous” on it. I looked at the paper, confused, looked back up at him and he said that it’s a group I should look into. Because of this, I thought that this problem of mine was something that I’d just have to deal with on my own. When I spoke to Ali about it, he was PISSED. We both spoke to a few other people about it just to get a second, third, millionth opinion, and everyone was just as angry by it as the both of us.

I decided to go back the next week, shared more about what I needed help with, and I walked out crying. I knew therapy would be intense but not THIS intense. I cried during the session, once I left the office, in my uber, and literally all day at home. I felt HORRIBLE. I brought this up with him the next week and this was brushed off and I was told that everyone cries after a session. HE WAS THERE WITH ME DURING THE SESSION. He knew how much pain I was in but apparently being unable to function for an entire day, not getting anything productive done, wanting to sleep until tomorrow, was normal. Long story short-ish, I didn’t go to my last session. He did not help me. He made things worse.

After New Year’s Day, I decided to start looking privately. I couldn’t let the NHS decide who to stick me with. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NHS, I think the NHS is an incredible privilege to have but I couldn’t take them pairing me with a random who might not understand my needs again. I found a therapist on my own, messaged her, and she decided to see me for an initial assessment session.

When I spoke to her, and told her what I went through with the first person, she was just as in shock with his behavior as the rest of us were. She assured me that we’d work on everything I wanted help with and I’m so happy to say that she has helped me over this last year which has been a huge relief. I’ve opened up to her about all of the things that have overwhelmed me over the years, things that I’ve desperately needed help with, and she’s helped me find ways to deal/cope with them.

Every week there was something that I’d remember to speak about and we’d go through it no matter how difficult it was for me. The best part is that I’d never leave my sessions crying. I might have had a few bajillion cry baby moments but never after a session. She explained to me that people can feel vulnerable afterwards, which I have on numerous occasions, but never to the point where I’m unable to function. Ali also mentioned that people should leave feeling better – like they’ve made progress. With her, I definitely feel like I have. I’m sad I’m “leaving her behind” but I’m so happy that we get to continue the sessions once we move to Glasgow!

The reason I’m talking about this today is because therapy is a normal experience. So many people can benefit from it no matter if you’re feeling low or just need to work on something you’re not happy with. There of course are exceptions like with my first therapist, but let that be an example of how you SHOULDN’T feel and who you SHOULDN’T be around. I actually feel happy that I am able to talk about going to therapy in such a normal way because I really do think that people are scared of what others might think if they know they’re going, but if you’re wanting to better your mental health, what’s the problem? Why worry about how they feel about something you’re doing to help yourself?

People are there for you. If I’ve learned anything from my sessions with her is that it’s ok to ask and accept help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it if you need it. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is to just let people in and help you no matter how big or small your problems are.

I am thankful to those of you who took the time to read this and I am glad that #WorldMentalHealthDay exists. ❤

IT: CHAPTER ONE – DID I ENJOY THE MOVIE OR WHAT?

It’s time for the long awaited post that I’ve been wanting to make for such a long time. Due to podcasts turning into Destiny’s Child (a different co-host every few months or so lmao) I’ve decided that until I’m able to find people in the same time zone or who can commit to a weekly or even a monthly podcast, that I should probably shove all of my reviews/rants/raves about movies and tv shows onto my blog. What I’m not really fond of is the fact that this’ll all be one sided and I won’t really have the exciting dialogue/banter between one of my friends and myself. However I’ll at least get to say that my opinions are fact since no one is around to tell me otherwise (HAHAHA KIDDING) and the first movie I want to talk about is Stephen King’s IT starring Bill Skarsgaard.

I remember watching the original movie from 1990 when I when I was little. IT came out when I was 2 years old, but I remember watching it when I was about 8 or 9. Watching IT was just like watching any other movie to me, I wasn’t scared at all. I did however, love the story of a creepy clown spooking everyone in lil’ ol’ Derry – a very normal and vanilla town. Tim Curry as Pennywise was EVERYTHING. He brought the character to life and there’s just something about him that always made me want to keep watching no matter what he was doing. He can be scary one minute, a douchebag the next (Rooster in Annie), or a sexy dzzzaddy in Rocky Horror Picture Show. DON’T JUDGE, YOU KNOW HE’S HOT IN THAT MOVIE AS FRANKIE.

I can’t be the only person who was kinda iffy about how Bill Skarsgaard would play Pennywise, only because the remake of any movie is never as good as the original, with a few exceptions of course. I was worried that his performance would be underwhelming because as I’m sure you’ve realized by now, I hold Tim curry on the highest of pedestals when it comes to being an OG character that you (I) just couldn’t see anyone else playing. I am so happy to say that I was wrong about my expectations of Bill’s performance. He was so different than Tim Curry that I didn’t really feel the need to compare the two after watching the movie other than the fact that they are both just very different…

Ok fine my only comparison that I want to make is that Tim Curry was creepy and *almost* scary while I feel like there was a strange creepy, eerie, childish tone to Bill’s version of Pennywise.

What I loved about this remake is that they’ve taken the original and split it into two parts. I remember being confused about the kid’s backgrounds in the original film and never really understood where they came from – I LOVE me a good backstory. I loved getting to know the characters because previously, you only got a hint of what their upbringing was like. I also remember in the original that they never showed the kids “killing” Pennywise, I could be wrong but I only ever remember seeing them get him as adults. It makes me wonder what the next film will be like since this will be done in what I assume will be two parts. I really have no idea how they’d expand on their adult lives because from what I can remember it was very straight forward – if he ever comes back everyone made a vow to go back to Derry and finish the job. I am looking forward to seeing how this all turns out and finding out who they are casting for each role.

I think that my favorite part of the changes they made is the fact that the original mini series took place in 1960 then 1990 and the remake takes place in 1989. I can only assume the next chapter will take place in 2016 since Pennywise is supposed to come back every 27 years. This can also be a little bit of a let down because I’d personally love for the movie to take place in the year chapter 2 is released because there’s always that “OMG THIS IS HAPPENING RAHNAO” part of spooky films that makes it more “real” even though the idea of a creepy clown running around has actually been a thing… but we won’t get into that.

I’d give the film a 7/10 and I am VERY MUCH looking forward to chapter 2. Have I said that enough?

Thanks for reading!

Outlander x Torrid – SASSENACH OUTFIT POST UP IN THIS B

I don’t know if anyone fangirls as much as I do about the Outlander series. Actually I’m sure there’s thousands of people who have read all of the books and have at least fangirled in person at a convention or something… so I ain’t special BUT, I am a huge fan of the Outlander series and they just came out with their second line exclusive to Torrid!

I was sent some really amazing pieces from the line but unfortunately some of the samples were a bit small including the jacket I’m about to show you (Waaaaaah) but I absolutely needed you all to see this because I am in love with it.

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LOOK AT THIS. To those of you who don’t know, Outlander (spoiler alert) takes place in two different times. It starts off with the main character, Claire, living her life in post World War II with her husband Frank on their second honeymoon to Inverness. She then goes back in time to 1743 not knowing if she’ll ever go back to present day and that’s when the story takes off.

This outfit is obviously inspired by the 1940s but the coat is, in my opinion, TIMELESS. The quality of this line, just like last year’s, is freakin amazing. I think a lot of pop culture inspired collections can come off as “fancy dress” as the British say, but I find about 95% of the line wearable (I was looking forward to the red dress coming out but the fabric makes it come off as costume-y and sadly I’m not in love with the way I look in it but I have pictures and will post them eventually because it is still a really is a cute dress!).

The navy coat is my favorite part of the whole collection. I have spoken about this on my Instagram already but I think it’s important that I’ve always wanted to have coats that don’t make me look like a box. Not everyone has curves in all the “right” places, and though I don’t think this word is a great word to use anymore to describe clothes on anyone’s bodies, but it really is flattering in the sense that it gives my body some shape! It flares out at the waist and there aren’t many things that make me want to twirl around in front of a mirror and just stare, but this is definitely one of the few that does!

I do need to say though, I think this tartan dress was meant to be worn with this coat. I can’t really see it with anything else and I really don’t want to. I love this outfit as it is and it should never change.

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Are you guys watching Outlander?! Are you all caught up on Season 3?! Did any of you manage to get some of the pieces before they sold out?! If so send me pictures on my Twitter or tag me on Instagram because I would LOVE to see you in this collection!

Here’s one more picture for the road. I like how it makes my backside look.

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Hawaii is GORGEOUS… I think. – Destination Daze

I don’t think I’ve ever done one of these before but lately I find myself dreaming of traveling. I picture visiting new places all over the world and trying out all the food. YES FOOD. I have to confess: when it comes to traveling I am in it for the food (surprise, surprise). I want to try out all of the local favorites and history comes second. I feel like that might sound really weird to anyone that isn’t me but growing up I never cared about the history of places. It’s definitely changed since moving to the UK because HELLO there are places older than the US. That thought never crossed my mind when I’d visit places like Disneyland or the beach. Ok I didn’t go to the beach that often and only went to Disneyland twice as kid (and can’t remember any of it) but like I said, history was never something I cared about. As a ‘cool’ teeny-bopper I never appreciated the history of places until visiting the UK because it was the first and only place I have ever visited/lived in outside of the US. I’ll admit, whenever we’ve visited new places, the first two things that pop into my head are nice views and restaurants. Ali is more about discovering places and learning about a country or city’s culture so whenever he’d be like “oh we can go see a wall” I’d be like “WHYYY?! it’s a wall.” He always laughs at me because, as he knows, I’m the type of person who would drive passed the Great Wall of China and be good. But whenever I get to our destination, I am usually in awe and so happy I actually visited and learned about each place we’ve been to. We’ve gone to a couple of graveyards in Scotland with gravestones that date back to the 1500s, which when I saw them was like a weird punch to my brain like “THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN CHIPOTLE AND NETFLIX” and I’m truly grateful for that, no matter how reluctant and bratty I’ll be about going at first. Blame my anxiety. LOL Anyway, this brings me to my next point. I have always wanted to visit these places that I’ll be mentioning in future posts but I now have a new reason for visiting, history…. but still food. Always food.

SO I MEAN OK I GUESS I CAN DO A QUICK FIRST PLACE I’D LIKE TO VISIT, RIGHT??

I feel like this one is an obvious choice and it’s Hawaii but not for the reasons people might think. When Lilo and Stitch came out when I was around my early teen years, I remember that everyone was suddenly in love with the culture. I remember watching clips and being annoyed by Stitch so I didn’t watch the movie and therefore wasn’t into Hawaii and to be quite honest, I wasn’t into the idea of going to Hawaii up until a year or two ago.

I want to go somewhere tropical and although there are a couple of places that provide the sunshine that I always dread, I would love to immerse myself in both ancient and modern Hawaiian and Polynesian culture. Of course, growing up in California I have had the fortune of experiencing the culture through friends and hula. I’ve always found hula fascinating and the ways that culture and stories can be conveyed through dance. I joined a friend’s dance group for a good 2 minutes years ago and wished I could have stayed a part of the group longer, and I’ve actually been looking for classes out here in England but have only found hula hoop classes. That’s great and all but that ain’t what I’m looking for. Nah ah chica. I wanna move my hips and break my knees and feel the burn in my thighs!! That is a very strange sentence out of context but I am going to stick to it and commit.

Although there are tons of things I want to see in Hawaii my priorities are visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center, seeing the ‘iolani Palace, go to a touristy (but super cute) lu’au, lay out on the beach in a bikini, and of course visit Pearl Harbor. Ali, of course, wants to do all the hill-y things that involve trekking thousands of miles across the Hawaiian countryside (Ok I know I’m exaggerating, but still). Aside from this part of Hawaii’s history and culture, there are more things I want to experience. As I mentioned above, I really want to do the lighthearted touristy things that I’d never get to do. I’d also like to try out authentic Hawaiian food. I grew up eating L&L Hawaiian bbq but I don’t think having Hawaiian food made in San Jose on the corner of Capitol & Aborn (SHOUT OUT!) has the same authenticity as food made by the people who actually live and grew up in Hawaii. Still good though!

Maybe someday, when I visit California again, I’ll take a detour and spend some time with my love relaxing in a resort on the beach, sipping cocktails, trying out new foods, the history, and learning all about how to make spam musubi without them falling apart. We’ll see!

ps shout out to my friend Mack who let me borrow her picture of a Hawaiian sunset she witnessed.

I Like Pretty Pink Dresses

Great Lakes!
I love me some pretty dresses and I love me some special occasions (especially weddings) and today I’m here to talk about this SUPER cute rose pink dress! While I was away in Boston, we were given the task to choose a dress that we would most likely wear at a special occasion. The choices were between maxi, midi, skater, swing/shift and tunic! I immediately wanted the skater because that usually means knee length, flowy, and possibly a sweetheart neckline! I searched through the site and saw this rose pink skater dress and was like MINE. It hit basically every mark I have on my list of “this is what I want as a guest at a wedding” dress:

It’s flirty. It’s pink. It’s cute. It’s flowy. It’s got a sweetheart neckline. It fits LOL.

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So I asked and I received! On top of the things I mentioned above, the dress is actually very comfortable and is heavy enough to withstand SOME wind. All I know is that I won’t be worrying about anyone seeing my undies because of any random UK gusts of wind this summer. I might have to worry in the Fall but still LOL.

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Me being the proper lady I am. Some objects in picture are more LIES than they appear LOL. I’m not a liar though just that first sentence of this caption was OK SO.

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selfie worthy!

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That detailing tho!

Be sure to check out the other girls’ blogs on what they chose for this summer’s occasion wear!

Violet Kat Charl Laura