I just want to start off by saying that I want to be as honest as possible. I’ve gone through a lot, as everyone does, and I really do just want to be honest. SO HERE I GO.
I’ve lost 40lbs, I gained 15, and I just lost another 10, leaving me at a total of 35lbs lost.
Let me start forrealzies at 2008, me at 20 years old:
Aside from my obvious love of Taylor Swift & Katy Perry I was a LOT smaller than I am today. Went out going to a lot of cool kid clubs and had fun without drinking and being sober was actually preferred. Then I turned 21 and it actually wasn’t so bad, here’s a picture of me in 2009 on the way to a Halloween party
Still a bit chubby, I noticed I was getting a bit bigger but it didn’t really bother me. I felt like I could walk around just fine, keep up with my friends whether it was doing cool kid clubbing or staying up all night doing what cool kids do. It wasn’t until 2010 that things actually got out of hand so0o0o0o0o…
I started to party and drink a LOT. I gained 50 lbs in 2010 and it wasn’t pretty. I was already pretty heavy but I started to notice a lot of changes in my body and the way I felt. My moods were different, I always felt like I was out of energy, and I just didn’t care. I have no one else to blame but myself. I will never blame anyone but myself.
This is what my meals would look like from Burger King for example:
1. 2 double cheeseburgers (or a double whopper)
2. large fries
3. onion rings
4. 2 orders of chicken tenders
5. large vanilla milkshake
I don’t know why, but I never thought about the consequences. Not once.
I would also order a venti white chocolate mocha with an extra 2 shots, and passion tea lemonade sweetened just because I could.
Now that I think about it, by the summer I looked pretty different. I don’t think it took me an entire year to gain that 50lbs, and I actually noticed from the pictures I’m going to show you that I think I weighed more than I thought I did. I’m pretty sure I weighed more than I thought. Here’s some pictures of me in 2010:
Those were all taken at “flattering angles.” Even the one where I’m wearing a black and flowery dress. This is where I started to notice something was off. I was doing some auditions back then and I actually found them recently… this is at a “normal” angle.
Jumping ahead to today, I felt sick watching myself like this. I remembered how I felt and hearing how I sounded (which was sick.. literally I sounded like I was sick for most of that year) It was really hard to watch myself in those videos and it made me feel so crappy.
In 2010, I started to feel my heart racing, I noticed it hurt to walk sometimes, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and a lot of the time I would stay up very late at night thinking I wasn’t going to wake up the next morning. I would leave the lights on because just in case someone walked in and I had died or something bad happened, they would see me. I didn’t want to be alone, and he doesn’t know this, but I would sometimes sit next to my brother while he slept and his presence helped ease my anxiety. I had gone in and out of the emergency room at least 5 times that year. I always felt like I was going to have a heart attack. When I finally saw my doctor, she told me that I was feeling anxiety. I never felt anxiety, let alone knew how it felt, and I never knew what a panic attack was, but I sure felt like I was going to die.
This was a huge wake up call. Continue reading