Rambling Intro – Homesick Diary

I can’t get my thoughts out when I’m physically writing so hopefully typing will make things easier. For the last couple of days I have been feeling very homesick. It’s nothing new, I’ve been struggling a lot with that this year but this time it hit me suddenly and I couldn’t stop crying all night. Any little thing that reminded me of how much I missed home bothered me and made me teary or I had to stop doing whatever it was that I was doing at the time.

It probably didn’t help that I was listening to “love songs” which is something I normally do! I love feeling all lovey dove-y when I’m writing, brainstorming, or planning out my week but it’s almost as if I had a breakup with all my friends and family because I don’t see them or hear from them as much as I want to. IT’S NOT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR’S FAULT, I blame it on time. That’s also not true because I know that I’m not on the top of the friendship priority list and I’m also an asshole so I’ll explain that more later.

To those who don’t know me, I am from California, my husband is from Scotland, and we fell in love and moved to England soon after we got married. I had visa issues in 2015 and after lots of stress and tears, we now are able to live in the same country and don’t have to worry about that issue for now.

We are visiting California for Thanksgiving and it’s nearly 70 days away but by then I wouldn’t have seen my friends and family for 15 months. This is the first time I’ve ever been away for over a year. I’m just going to say that I realize people have it much worse, but this is the first time I’m having to live through this so SHH. I feel like if I had friends near (those in the US and UK) it would make things much easier. I feel like if I was able to go back home every 6 months I’d be able to manage fine but we simply can’t afford it and don’t have the time. What hurts me most is thinking about the holidays. I always stayed home on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year hanging out with my mom. My siblings were always invited round to their friends so sometimes they’d leave. I personally didn’t feel like it was appropriate (for me) to leave the house unless we were all going to another relative’s house to celebrate (I did have close friends come over as well so it’s not as “sad” as it sounds, haha). So when I think about not going home and not being able to spend time with my family, I think specifically about my parents hanging out and doing nothing LOL. As dumb as that sounds, it’s what I imagine and it makes me sad. My parents usually have plans when we’re all out but the thought of it really upsets me. Going home for Thanksgiving was such a big deal and when I told my mom she was so happy and was so shocked she needed to just sit in her car and not drive. I didn’t know she was out at the time and thankfully she was just sitting in the parking lot. She said she was so excited that her heart was pounding. We’re having a huge feast when visit so that makes me happy!

Aside from being homesick around the holidays, I really miss spending time with my siblings. We always had fun playing together when we were younger and even though we fight a lot (as WE ALL DO) we are pretty close. AT LEAST I THINK SO. IF YOU GUYS EVER READ THIS YOU BETTER FEEL THE SAME. Anyway, even in my early 20s, and them in their teens, we’d have so much fun playing board games or video games to the point where we’re all screaming. I’m super competitive but we know it’s all for fun because even though I end up rage punching the couch because they are purposefully sabotaging me, we laugh about it immediately after.  It’s not like it wasn’t the other way around, my sister and I would team up on my brother to make him lose because even though he was the youngest he was somehow still better than us?! UGH. Even though my cooking has evolved since 2 years ago I miss cooking for them too! I also miss making them watch scary movies so I can laugh at them when they jump.  I MISS EVERYTHING.

Here’s where friendships come in. We’re all adults now, we all have our own lives and I get that. What I don’t understand is why I feel like I’m pushed to the side or an afterthought? Sometimes I feel like I’m putting in everything I can (and yes I’ve brought this up before) and helping to the best of my knowledge but still not be asked how my days was. With some people it’s like “help me!” and when I need a shoulder they’re not there. When I want to have a quality friendship time skype call people are too busy? There’s also times where I say “You can always come to me!” but I never hear from them LOL. Here’s why I feel like I’m an asshole too: I know I haven’t been a good friend to some people lately. I posted on my fb that I have no excuse other than trying to stay productive and distract myself from dealing with a bunch of crap that is out of my control but that is an entirely different story. I feel bad and I don’t know how to explain how I feel about these situations other than I’m so damn lonely and would like to have one group of people remember that I exist but also a jerk who doesn’t want to talk to another group of people *because* I’m going through a tough time. Can I just blame this on distance and the time difference? I’m going to because I feel like it LOL. I know the real answer to these questions but sometimes I just want to rant and say everything.

These are just my rambling thoughts, I don’t know how to process or further explain how I feel. I think writing everything down and posting to my blog will help me figure out crap and hopefully I won’t be as homesick? EHHHH. Anyway, thanks for reading my post especially if you made it this far, jeez!!

❤ Gloria

5 thoughts on “Rambling Intro – Homesick Diary

  1. I loved reading this. Thank you so much!!! It’s surprisingly a lot more to how I’m feeling than I think my husband understands. I always stayed home with my parents and worry they are falling apart without me and I miss my dog soooo much! I recently moved from Canada to California to be with my husband. I was approved for my visa in June and moved here August. I’ve never lived away from home. Unfortunately because where I live in Canada it was pretty isolated so tickets cost about $1500 per person to get there. I know I won’t be able to visit any time soon so it’s hard. I miss my Canadian food and the milk here is weird tasting. I haven’t found anything yet that makes me comfortable or feel like this is home. At first I cried everyday and wanted to leave. I would go to the pet section in a store and cry or see a person walking with a cane and you guessed it cry. I feel alone here sometimes even though my husband is here. I hope it gets easier for the both of us as time goes on Gloria! You’re so fabulous and I appreciate all your videos and work! It may sound weird but reading your post, knowing you are going through something similar made me feel a little less lonely. 🙂 *hugs*! Also if there is anything I can send from California that you miss let me know!

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  2. Wow. I was literally having this exact conversation with my husband about an hour before reading this. While I live in the same place as my family I feel like this describes our dynamic perfectly and the same goes with friends. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way in my relationships. ❤️

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  3. I have mentioned this to you before,but I really do understand.It is hard to make friends in a new place particularly a foreign country.Sometimes all they hear is the American accent ya know? The one thing I can tell you is your bond with your family will get super tight when you see then again because you will remember all you miss about each other(even the annoying quirks ha!) I don’t know how you feel about this but maybe write your parents,siblings and close friends be it a post card or actual letter .It would be pretty cool to get a stamped letter from another country!Even if it is just to tell them about your day/week or reminisce about sillly fun times.That way eventually when you move back they can have those letters which is so much more personal than an email and cheaper than a text or call.
    Lots of hugs your way!!xoxo

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  4. I miss California too and I’ve only been in England for 9 months 😦

    I was crying earlier cause I missed my parents so much and the rain isn’t helping! Lol

    You’re not alone honey!!

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  5. Hi Gloria,

    I think you’re going through something that’s simply called “adulting.” I had just learned of this word, by the way, at a very grown-up homeownership workshop. I think it means acting like an adult; making adult decisions; and going through adult situations and feelings. I am not a fan of this word, as I am a kid at heart! Outwardly, though — with coworkers and in public — I am good at pretending to act like one. I think sometimes it helps to write your thoughts down to regain some level of detachment from worrisome feelings. The only problem with writing it all down is that it forces you to slow down your thoughs and feelings so that you can write it all down in an intelligent manner. This is very relaxing for some. I guess that’s why I prefer to write over making YouTube videos. I’m still very shy, but I’ve just recenly created a YouTube channel to get over my fear of public speaking. You and other people inspired me to make my own channel.

    Going back to feeling homesick, I know there is no cure for homesickness, but overtime you kind of get used to not seeing familiar people anymore. It is human to go through the motions and feel sad when you don’t see anyone for so long. It makes anyone sad just thinking about it. I hope that this feeling of sadness is only temporary, which I’m definitely sure it will be because you have people who care about you — both in real life and here on social media.

    Here’s what I do get over feeling homesick:
    *I watch cute animal videos on YouTube. It’s a great distraction.
    *I cook my favorite meals that remind me of family.
    *I schedule a daily/weekly/monthly routine.
    *I call my friends and family.
    *I make new friends and family (lol at “family”; pets and stuffed animals can be family too).

    Whatever your methods, I think you’re on the right track. I’m personally thrilled that you’re on WP now. We talked on Facebook a few months back before they forced everyone to download the messenger app.

    Sending lots of kind thoughts your way,
    Nary (pronounced “Nar-Ree”)

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