I just want to start off by saying that I want to be as honest as possible. I’ve gone through a lot, as everyone does, and I really do just want to be honest. SO HERE I GO.
I’ve lost 40lbs, I gained 15, and I just lost another 10, leaving me at a total of 35lbs lost.
Let me start forrealzies at 2008, me at 20 years old:
Aside from my obvious love of Taylor Swift & Katy Perry I was a LOT smaller than I am today. Went out going to a lot of cool kid clubs and had fun without drinking and being sober was actually preferred. Then I turned 21 and it actually wasn’t so bad, here’s a picture of me in 2009 on the way to a Halloween party
Still a bit chubby, I noticed I was getting a bit bigger but it didn’t really bother me. I felt like I could walk around just fine, keep up with my friends whether it was doing cool kid clubbing or staying up all night doing what cool kids do. It wasn’t until 2010 that things actually got out of hand so0o0o0o0o…
I started to party and drink a LOT. I gained 50 lbs in 2010 and it wasn’t pretty. I was already pretty heavy but I started to notice a lot of changes in my body and the way I felt. My moods were different, I always felt like I was out of energy, and I just didn’t care. I have no one else to blame but myself. I will never blame anyone but myself.
This is what my meals would look like from Burger King for example:
1. 2 double cheeseburgers (or a double whopper)
2. large fries
3. onion rings
4. 2 orders of chicken tenders
5. large vanilla milkshake
I don’t know why, but I never thought about the consequences. Not once.
I would also order a venti white chocolate mocha with an extra 2 shots, and passion tea lemonade sweetened just because I could.
Now that I think about it, by the summer I looked pretty different. I don’t think it took me an entire year to gain that 50lbs, and I actually noticed from the pictures I’m going to show you that I think I weighed more than I thought I did. I’m pretty sure I weighed more than I thought. Here’s some pictures of me in 2010:
Those were all taken at “flattering angles.” Even the one where I’m wearing a black and flowery dress. This is where I started to notice something was off. I was doing some auditions back then and I actually found them recently… this is at a “normal” angle.
Jumping ahead to today, I felt sick watching myself like this. I remembered how I felt and hearing how I sounded (which was sick.. literally I sounded like I was sick for most of that year) It was really hard to watch myself in those videos and it made me feel so crappy.
In 2010, I started to feel my heart racing, I noticed it hurt to walk sometimes, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and a lot of the time I would stay up very late at night thinking I wasn’t going to wake up the next morning. I would leave the lights on because just in case someone walked in and I had died or something bad happened, they would see me. I didn’t want to be alone, and he doesn’t know this, but I would sometimes sit next to my brother while he slept and his presence helped ease my anxiety. I had gone in and out of the emergency room at least 5 times that year. I always felt like I was going to have a heart attack. When I finally saw my doctor, she told me that I was feeling anxiety. I never felt anxiety, let alone knew how it felt, and I never knew what a panic attack was, but I sure felt like I was going to die.
This was a huge wake up call.
On one of my trips with just me and Ryan in December 2010, I noticed that my heart was doing this weird thumpy thing just from walking around and having a couple of drinks. I thought I was just being paranoid, but turns out I was having heart palpitations. Apparently it’s not alarming with every case BUT it was alarming to me. Why the hell was my heart pumping like this?? With everything I was feeling anything that seemed off in my body I got scared QUICK. I was so scared that I didn’t drink the entire trip (two days in LA and a stop off in Vegas) and anything I ate was “minimal” I went from being like LA LA LA I’m gonna eat everything to buying apple slices instead of chips and just getting ONE thing from any restaurant we went to.
I unofficially changed the way I ate by changing things here and there but after about two weeks I stepped on a scale for the first time in months (before the weight gain so maybe it was almost a year) and I saw that I had gained 50 lbs. I never thought to think I gained more than 50 lbs until recently because there were still those two weeks where I had changed the way I ate but wasn’t keeping any record of it. I saw the number on the scale and I cried. I refuse to say what the scale said because I’m not at my goal yet. WHEN I REACH MY GOAL, YOU’LL KNOW THAT PART OF THE TRUTH. Before anyone starts making assumptions, YES I am not comfortable with saying how much I weighed SO SHUT IT WITH YOUR JUDGEMENT. Hahaha, I know weight is just a number… but it’s not sometimes. To me it’s a reminder of how I let myself go down that road and it honestly makes me uncomfortable.
ANYWAY, after seeing my “starting” weight, I decided to cut the following things out cold turkey:
1. Alcohol/going out to bars
2. Fast food
3. Coffee/Caffeine in general
4. Hot Cheetos/chips but I mostly ate Hot Cheetos and LOVE IT STILL OMG.
5. Eating at restaurants
6. Processed foods
7. Sweets (wasn’t really a big sweets fan so that was easy)
8. High sodium crap
I ate the following things everyday and this is when my cooking sKyLLz got better:
1. Salmon with rice and broccoli
2. Low sodium teriyaki chicken with rice and broccoli
3. Baked potato with chicken breasts
I never added salt or butter to anything. I didn’t know that I could have tasty foods without it being unhealthy. All of this was new to me. While I would eat my food, I remember paying very close attention to my heartbeat. I know now that when you try to pay attention to your heartbeat/look at a heart rate monitor at a doctor’s office, that it’ll go up and you’ll panic if you’re like me LOL.
I also think this is around the time I started to eat spinach and chose it over lettuce in my salads. Lettuce can be so gross sometimes… My salads consisted of spinach, carrots, chicken, ranch dressing, croutons, and cheese. I have since then taken out the ranch and if I feel like I actually *need* dressing, it’s a tiny bit of Caesar. I don’t like the taste of lemon in salads. It’s not happening…. k I’ll try it someday.
I think within that time period I had already gone down 25lbs. I already looked healthier. First picture I had a few drinks but.. it was my friend’s birthday LOL. Still a big change though! I went from drinking almost every weekend for funzies to none for 3 months. I would say I drank maybe 4-5 times through all of 2011. I started to notice that it wasn’t hard for me to breathe and that I could walk around without feeling all heart palpitation-y and I’m pretty sure somewhere in all of this I was exercising.
Gym stuff is all a blur to me lol! I think this is around the time I did Zumba for the one and ONLY time. In high school, I did hip hop for a year and one of my friends from back in the day taught me hula and I even joined her halau for a bit so when I went in to do Zumba I went in FULL FORCE because I thought I could handle it because I loved to dance. BIG MISTAKE, ME! After 30 minutes, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I got so anxious that I had to step out. Jumping is not my friend. I was so proud of myself for trying, but so disappointed that I couldn’t last. I can be a bit of a perfectionist sometimes and I do think about “ALL or NOTHING” quite a bit, but I had to remind myself back then that I hadn’t been active for so long that I needed to take it SLOW. I can also be very impatient so taking things slow was hard.
My weight loss slowed down and I plateaued a bit but for the most part, my weight loss was consistent. I went to the gym as much as I felt like, but to be honest… many of you know this but I can be very stubborn. When I feel like I am exercising I get annoyed and I just don’t want to do it sometimes. I need better willpower and discipline, and I know it too. (You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful… does that mean that since I know that I need willpower and discipline…that I have it? What?)
So instead of working out at the gym, I went out for walks and even spent a lot of time at the mall. It wasn’t exactly good for my wallet, but it really helped. I get anxious if I don’t know the location or where I’m walking or how far it is. Steep hills make me anxious whether I’m driving or walking so places like San Francisco make me feel really uncomfortable.. I really only go for the Giants games anyway so no driving or walking up hills for me! (except when I’m on an elliptical or treadmill… ugh)
I would to the mall with my brother or sister just to go look around at most places like the Great Mall or Oakridge….Target… just so I would get out off my butt and walk around and we would spend hours out on our feet and they were big supporters. Since honesty is such a big thing with this post, I’m pretty sure this is where my Target addiction stemmed from LOL.
By September/October 2011, I looked like this:
Tyler Hilton & Me on the set of One Tree Hill. He was so nice! LOL! Remember how I was talking about those “normal” angles? In the screencaps of my audition tapes from 2010, I was wearing makeup. I don’t know if the lighting worked miracles.. but I wasn’t wearing much makeup in this scene and I just feel like I look so much healthier. I was much healthier. By this time I had lost 30lbs. People might say “GLORIA?! ONLY 30?! YOU CAN LOSE MUCH MORE THAN THAT!” But LET ME JUST SAY THIS: I know myself, through the bajillion diets I’ve done in the past, I lost weight quick and I gained back twice as much just as fast. This is a lifestyle change to me, I will NEVER put myself through that again.
I noticed around this time I was feeling so much more confident about myself. I was finally feeling something other than bitter, and I started to feel self worth. Growing up I was always a fairly confident girl. I did things because I liked doing them, whether or not liked people liked it. I just wanted to do what I liked, so I did. I honestly couldn’t tell you right this second what happened but I got into a really dark place and I really did let myself go. Everything about me was so different in 2010. I didn’t care about what would happen to me. Around this time I was tired of being stuck at 30 lbs lost, so I knew I had to change something. This was also when I started having feelings for Ali btw LOL.
I started caring in 2011. By the end of 2011 I looked like this:
I started fitting into smaller clothes, that was a new top from Torrid that I got. It didn’t run up my stomach like my clothes used to. I was a much happier and confident person by December 2011. In the span of a year I lost 30 lbs, stopped partying, became more productive with my life, and was allowing myself to feel lo0o0o0ve! LIKE REAL LOVE, NOT THE STUFF I PUT MYSELF THROUGH PREVIOUSLY.
In January 2012, a few friends and I went to Vegas. I was so excited because I was planning to drink, have all the fun in the world, and one of my best friends was getting married! While I REALLY enjoyed her wedding, the rest of the trip I felt SOOO CRAPPY! I was in tears a lot, and from what I can remember it was because I felt like I couldn’t keep up with them. I have no idea what happened here, but for some reason I felt like my weight loss wasn’t happening fast enough and when I drank I was feeling so anxious. I think deep down I knew what I was doing wasn’t right for me. I couldn’t handle partying anymore. Maybe it reminded me of the last trip I had to Vegas when I felt very sick. I don’t think I’ve been to Vegas since then lol!
I had been with Ali (virtually) since the end of 2011, and everyone knows he’s really into fitness… We counted the other day, and he has 15 CrossFit shirts…. lol anyway!
Despite the Vegas shenanigans, I grew into feeling confident, being happier and becoming *myself* again. I had something to live for. I fell in love quick (again, not good at being patient on my end) even though I hadn’t met Ali in person yet. Even though he has seen me through my smaller side, my weight gain, and my weight loss he was always there for me and was very encouraging. In 2012, I wanted to be alive to be with him too. It wasn’t just about me at this point. By May 2012, he visited and by this time I lost another 10lbs getting me down to my smallest weight since 2010.
He pushed me into eating healthier and exercising more. He was never mean about it and was so encouraging. He inspired me. Positive reinforcement always worked with me. So to those of you who think “OH HE’S A FEEDER.” “HE’S GOT A FAT GIRL FETISH.” Stop. You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.
I kept the weight off, going up and down 5lbs because well that’s what happens when you PMS, LOL!! Later in the year, we threw a murder mystery party!
Happier & healthier! Even if I get all double-chinny in pictures it’s not as bad as it used to be! I always wanted to plan something like this, and tbh my confidence was making me feel like I could do ANYTHING I wanted so we threw this thing together and it was so GREAT!
This makes me happy. I literally just scrolled up to my 2010 pictures and back down. Writing about my progress has helped me remember to stay on track and that I actually have made progress.
When I was in Scotland, I’m pretty sure I lost weight the first couple of weeks.. then I discovered their restaurants and that basically every place delivered so… I took advantage of that. Any weight I might have lost in those previous came back LOL! I did notice a change in my portions though. In the UK, the portions they serve are much smaller. I remember we went to this place called Ketchup this first week I was over. I was so sad to see that their CHIPS were literally like 5 pieces of potatoes! After being there for a month, I got used to it and we went back there before I left. I didn’t realize I was used to the portion sizes because when we went back, we ordered 3 servings of chips. One for each of us and one to share. I. COULDN’T. HANDLE IT.
I remember coming back home, going to dinner with Chastity at Chili’s and was so shocked by the portion sizes! I had only been gone for 6 weeks but JEEZ!
In 2013, I’m sure I got used to American sizes again because I started to gain weight ONCE AGAIN *sigh* Sometimes life happens. My weight gain wasn’t anything significant, but it was slowly going up.
My Mom & I on my 25th birthday on April 24, 2013. CHEESECAKE FACTORYYYYY!!!!!!
My face always seems to show my weightloss/gain first. ANNOYING! Why can’t it go to my butt or my chest? I got a smaller booty and a smaller chest… SO.
Life happened, I got busy and I just got busier once Ali moved over! Once Ali moved it was nonstop of busy life! We got engaged on August 24 and from then it was taking Ali to his campus, planning the wedding, taking classes, and trying to fit WORK somewhere in there. We hardly had time to cook, but when we did we started doing meal prep. I guarantee you this is the only reason I didn’t gain all of my weight back but only some of it. We made turkey chili for either lunch/dinner and when we were out we would have a sandwich. We also had Chipotle, I’m craving Chipotle. Even though it’s not the HEALTHIEST, it tastes so damn good and it’s better than going to Burger King and ordering what I used to!
The rest of the year was pretty boring in terms of me and weight loss. It was very repetitive. But here’s what I looked like!:
It was really cool having a group of people to do at least SOME form of exercise with and I’m still in touch with so of these awesome people ❤ ❤ ❤
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, I HURT MY KNEE DOING CARDIO KICKBOXING.
March 1, 2014. BLURRY! Remember when I said that jumping wasn’t my friend? At the very beginning of this class, the warm up involved using a jump rope. I was like OH OK THIS’LL BE AWESOME I’M GONNA GO FULL FORCE AGAIN! I went full force, jumped my life, and I felt a huge crunch in my knee. I almost couldn’t stand but I pushed through it (which I shouldn’t have) and continued because I didn’t wanna be a quitter. I should have stopped. It did NOT help, and my knee has JUST started getting better. SO0O0O0 all I could manage at this point was hopefully maintaining my weight.
I believed in making little changes. My cousins and I made a little support group and share what we would eat, what exercise we did and it felt really good! Ok, here’s something else…
I started sharing my little changes on my glowpinkstah fb page here and there and immediately got amazing support from everyone! But of course, with the support comes those few who think they know EVERRRYYYYTHIIIING.
I got comments like:
“Gloria, you should be doing this.”
“You should be doing that.”
“You’re gonna die if you don’t do this.”
“You fat f***ing pig eat a salad.”
To be honest, these people most likely had no idea what I’ve been through or that I had been trying to lose weight for so long. It got discouraging. SOMEEETIMES I just wanna share stuff with people I know (subbies too) and don’t wanna have to hear/read from people and their damn supposed “constructive” criticism LOL! I WANT A LIFE THAT IS MIIIINE! Just thought I’d rant on that for a bit hahaha! FELT GOOD!
The wedding was coming up, and when I went in for a fitting, the seamstress said that I lost weight because my dress fit much better on me now. I have no idea why, maybe it was stress from the pressure of everyday life.. but I did NOT step on a scale, I knew it would make things worse LOL!
WEDDING TIIIIIME! June 28, 2014
Happiest day of my life 🙂 BUT shortly after this I stepped on a scale and saw that I gained 15lbs UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHGUHH!! What’s even worse, is that I stepped on a scale that was 10lbs OFF and saw that I was 25lbs up and nearly had a meltdown!! Hahaha! It was so scary to see that I had gotten so close to my “starting weight” and new something had to change again…. But not until after our honeymoon LOL!
Let me just say this: I was swollen from the sunburn, it was HOT HOT HOT outside but I still look happier and much healthier than I was at my heaviest. I don’t always think that way though.. sometimes when I look at pictures in my present time, whenever that is, I don’t see progress and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything.
From July – September I wasn’t really into my health like I should have been, but I know I wasn’t eating as badly as I was. I wasn’t exercising because my knee was still giving me issues. I can’t really walk up hills (which is ok with me cuz like I said I hate steep anything) or stand on it for really long periods at a time. By the end of September, we bought a scale and I have no idea whether my weight went up or down or WHAT but I knew that now that I had one available to me, I would feel more comfortable with starting back up.
At one point a couple of years back I got obsessed with weighing myself every morning, every night and it wasn’t healthy… don’t do that.
We’ve been eating more home cooked meals, when we eat out we don’t overdo it… even though I do that sometimes… I’ve been meal prepping our dinners, my salads, and instead of having 2 ginormous servings, at dinner I’ll have one. If I haven’t had time and I ran out of food I might overdo it but something I’m doing currently must work! I plan to share more of my recipes on here and hopefully you’ll get a chance to read them! I’m no fancy cook, I just follow recipes I think might taste yummy and change what I think needs to be changed.
Since then I’ve lost weight and I just feel more confident again!
Last night I did some hula dancing and my knee was cracking a bit here and there but for the most part I could do the moves and that is yet another accomplishment I need to remember! Stepped on the scale and saw that I was down 10lbs yesterday and I took this victory picture:
BABY STEPS! What I’ve done so far has worked for me and I’m ok with that. I just need to work on having more discipline and willpower and I’ll get to my goal slowly but surely. Thanks to everyone in my life for your amazing support. Thank you for being there for me helping me push through the pain to get closer to my big goal.
I’m much healthier, happier, and confident now!